The way episode one was supposed to go

[Count Dooku]

INSIDE THE REPUBLIC CRUISER'S COCKPIT
The Captain and Co-pilot fly the Cruiser closer to one of the Federation's battleships.

QUI-GON: Captain.

CAPTAIN: Yes, sir?

QUI-GON: Tell them we wish to board at once.

CAPTAIN: Yes, sir. (The Captain looks to her view screen. Nute Gunray, the Neimoidian Trade Viceroy, appears). With all due respect, the Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.

NUTE: Yes, yes, of cooourse... ahhh... aaas you knooow, our blockaaade is peeerfectly leeegal, and we'd be haaappy to receive the Ambaaassador.

CAPTAIN: (to co-pilot) What? I didn't understand a word he was saying!

CO-PILOT: I guess he said it was "ok".

OBI-WAN: Master, I have a bad feeling about this.

Qui-Gon looks away and shakes his head.






THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S DOCKING BAY
The small cruiser docks in the main bay of the Federation battleship. The door opens, and two darkly robed figures are greeted by TC-14.

TC-14: I'm TC-14 at your service. Walk this way, please. (TC-14 begins walking away in a somewhat suggestive manner).

QUI-GON: (looking at Obi-Wan) ...Don't even think about it.

They go down the hallway, approaching a conference room.






THE CONFERENCE ROOM
A door slides open, and the two Jedi Knights are led into the formal conference room by TC-14.

TC-14: I hope you honored sirs will be most comfortable here. My master will be with you shortly. May I get you something to drink? Water, cola, Mad Dog?

OBI-WAN: (grinning) Mad Dog? Man, I haven't had that since... (looks over to see Qui-Gon glaring at him) ...uh, water will be fine.

QUI-GON: (still glaring at Obi-Wan) Yes, water will be fine.

The droid bows before Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. He backs out the door and it closes. The Jedi lower their hoods and look out a large window at the tiny green planet of Naboo.
OBI-WAN: (looking around anxiously) I have a bad feeling about this.

QUI-GON: (looks upward and sighs) I don't sense anything.

OBI-WAN: It's not about the mission, Master, it's something... elsewhere... elusive.

QUI-GON: Oh not again. Why are you feeling so anxious? Did you take your Prozac today?

OBI-WAN: Yes, Master.

QUI-GON: Well, then. Keep your concentration here and now, where it belongs.

OBI-WAN: But, Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...

QUI-GON: Yeah, but Master Yoda's not your psychotherapist, is he?

OBI-WAN: (holds head down) No, Master. (Pauses, then looks back up to Qui-Gon) How do you think the Trade Viceroy will deal with the Chancellor's demands?

QUI-GON: These Federation types are cowards. We just need to do a little butt-kicking around here to ensure that the negotiations will be short.






THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE
Nute Gunray and Daultray Dofine stand shocked before TC-14.

NUTE: What?!? What did you say?

TC-14: The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.

DOFINE: I knew it! They were sent to force a settlement. Crap! Now what are we gonna do?

NUTE: Uh... why don't you go in there and stall them while I head for the escape pod...

DOFINE: Are you brain-dead? Fool, I ain't going in there with two Jedi! Destroy their ship, then gas those suckas and send in the battle droids to clean-up the mess!






THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN HALLWAY
A hologram of Nute, surrounded by battle droids, appears in the hallway just outside the conference room.

NUTE: They must be dead by now. Blast what's left of them.

The hologram fades away, as the door opens. A deadly yellow-green cloud billows from the room. The battle droids ready their weapons as a figure stumbles out of the smoke. It is TC-14, carrying a tray of drinks.

TC14: Oh, excuse me.

TC-14 passes by the droids. Suddenly, two flashing lightsabers fly out of the deadly fog.

BATTLE DROIDS: (in unison) OH S***!!! (Several battle droids are cut down by the Jedi before they can fire).






THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE
The bridge is filled with the sound of alarms. Nute and Rune watch the battle droids on the viewscreen.

BATTLE DROID: Not sure exactly what... (the droid is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence.)

NUTE: What the heck is going on down there?

RUNE: Have you ever encountered a Jedi Knight before, sir?

NUTE: Well, not exactly, but I don't... (panicking) Seal off the bridge!

RUNE: That won't be enough, sir.

NUTE: Oh will you shut-up! I've already wet my pants I'm so scared!

RUNE: (looks down at Nute's feet) Dang, man!

The doors to the bridge slam shut.

NUTE: I want destroyer droids up here at once!!!

RUNE: We will not survive this. (turns and notices Nute glaring at him) Oops... sorry.






THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN HALLWAY - OUTSIDE THE BRIDGE
Qui-Gon cuts several battle droids in half, with sparks and metal parts flying everywhere. Obi-Wan waves his hand, crashing more battle droids into the floor. Qui-Gon makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut through it with his lightsaber.






THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE
The crew nervously watch as sparks start flying through the bridge door. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are on the view screen.

NUTE: Close the blast doors!!!

The huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a second door, then a third. There is a hissing sound as the huge doors seal shut. Qui-Gon pauses, then stabs the door with his lightsaber. The screen goes black as a red spot appears in the center of the blast door.

RUNE: (pointing at the door) They're still coming through!

From the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.

NUTE: Impossible! This is impossible!! Now I've gotta change my clothes, AGAIN!!

RUNE: Where are those destroyer droids?!






THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN HALLWAY - OUTSIDE THE BRIDGE
Two destroyer droids roll down the hallway at full speed. Just before they get to the bridge area, they stop and transform into battle configuration. Then begin firing at the Jedi.

OBI-WAN: Destroyer droids!

QUI-GON: Well, duh!

Both Jedi use their lightsabers to deflect the destroyer droids’ blasts. Realizing it's a standoff, the Jedi run away at lightning speed to escape the droids.






THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE
RUNE: We have them on the run. They're no match for destroyer droids.

TEY HOW: Sir, they've gone down the ventilation shaft.






THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN BAY
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan emerge from a large vent in a giant hangar bay. They are careful not to be seen. Thousands of battle droids are preparing to be loaded onto landing craft.

QUI-GON: Battle droids.

OBI-WAN: It's an invasion army.

QUI-GON: It's an odd play for the Trade Federation. Seems like they're gonna waste more money fighting than they could ever hope to regain in taxes from that sorry little planet. We've got to warn the Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum. Let's split up. Stow aboard separate ships and meet me down on the planet.

OBI-WAN: You were right about one thing, Master. The negotiations were short.

QUI-GON: (sarcastically) Oh, ha, ha. Very funny. Now move your little hilarious butt outta here!

OBI-WAN: Uh, yes, master.






THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE
TEY HOW: Sir, a transmission from the planet.

RUNE: It's Queen Amidala herself.

NUTE: At last we're getting results.

On the view screen Queen Amidala appears in her throne room, wearing an elaborate headdress and robes.

NUTE: Aaagain you come befooore me, Your Hiiighness. The Federaaation is pleased.

AMIDALA: What? Man, I can't ever understand what you're saying. Anyway, you will not be pleased when you hear what I have to say. Viceroy... your trade boycott of our planet has ended.

Nute smirks at Rune.

NUTE: I waaas not aaaware of such a faaailure.

AMIDALA: I have word that the Senate is finally voting on this blockade of yours.

NUTE: I taaake it you knooow the oooutcome. I wooonder why they booother to vote.

AMIDALA: Huh? Enough of this crap, Viceroy! I'm aware the Chancellor's Ambassadors are with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach a settlement or get your a** kicked.

NUTE: I knooow nooothing about any Ambaaassadors. You muuust be mistaaaken.

AMIDALA: Beware, Viceroy. The Federation has gone too far this time.

NUTE: Your Hiiighness, we would neeever do aaanything without the approooval of the Seeenate. You assuuume too much.

AMIDALA: (confused) What? Man, you guys really need to get an interpreter!

The Queen fades off and the view screen goes black.

RUNE: She's right, nobody else ever understands what we're saying.

NUTE: Tough! Besides we can't afford an interpreter. This attack is gonna cost us a fortune!

RUNE: Do you think she suspects an attack?

NUTE: I don't know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications down there

[Count Dooku]

THE NABOO PALACE THRONE ROOM
The Queen, Chief of Security Captain Panaka, handmaidens Eirtae and Sache, and Governor Sio Bibble are watching a hologram of Senator Palpatine, a seemingly unassuming, dignified, middle-aged gentleman.

PALPATINE: How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor... his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be... the... get... negotiate...

The hologram of Palpatine sputters and fades away.

AMIDALA: What? Senator Palpatine?! (turns to Panaka) Man, he's starting to talk as crazy as the Trade Viceroy!

PANAKA: No, Your Highness. There must be a breakdown in communications. (Turns to his sergeant) Check the transmission generators...

BIBBLE: A malfunction?

PANAKA: It could be the Federation jamming us.

BIBBLE: A communications disruption can only mean one thing: invasion.

AMIDALA: (rolls eyes) Don't be silly, Governor. The Federation would not dare go that far.

BIBBLE: (mumbling to himself) ME silly? Can't she see that she's about to get a royal a**-whipping? Silly teenager!

PANAKA: The Senate would revoke their trade franchise and they'd be finished.

AMIDALA: We must continue to rely on negotiation, that is if we can understand what the Trade Viceroy is saying!

BIBBLE: Negotiation? We've lost all communications! And where are the Chancellor's Ambassadors? How can we negotiate? (mumbling to himself again) Silly teenager!

PANAKA: This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army. Heck, they couldn't even put down that food fight at the High School cafeteria last month!

BIBBLE: (out loud this time) Silly teenagers!

AMIDALA: (glaring at Bibble, who looks away) I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.


End Chapter 1

[Leon Stealth]

Is this true, or just a joke? :-P

[Redack]

he did it as a joke

[Sith Knight Xero]

funniiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

[Count Dooku]

I didn't even make it. You think I'm that creative? Get your head examined. (J/K) I found it during a search for "Star Wars" on google.

NABOO SWAMP
Several landing craft slowly descend through the cloud cover of the planet. One after another the Federation warships land in the hazy swamp. Troop Transports (MTT's) emerge from the landing craft. The droid invasion force begins moving out of the swamp. A battle droid in his tank looks out at a small hologram of Rune and Nute.

RUNE: And there is no trace of the Jedi. They may have gotten onto one of your landing craft.

BATTLE DROID: If they are down here, sir, we'll find them.

Meanwhile, Qui-Gon is running through the strange landscape, glancing back to see the monstrous troop transports emerging from the mist. Animals begin to run past him in a panic. An odd frog-like creature, a Gungan called Jar Jar Binks, looks up and sees Qui-Gon and the other creatures running wildly toward him. One of the huge MTTs bears down on the Jedi like a charging tank. Jar Jar stands terrified.

JAR JAR: Oh, noooooooooo!

QUI-GON: (trying to shoo Jar Jar out of the way) Get outta the way, Fool!!

JAR JAR: (confused as usual, grabs onto Qui-Gon) AHHHHH!! Help meesa!! Help meesa!! Save meesa!!

QUI-GON: Let go, you freak!! Oh, never mind... DUCK!!!

Qui-Gon and Jar Jar fall to the ground. The transport passes overhead. Qui-Gon and Jar Jar lie still, then slowly stand, watching the war machine disappear into the mist. Jar Jar grabs Qui-Gon and hugs him.

JAR JAR: Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous! (The frog-like creature kisses the Jedi).

QUI-GON: (angrily draws lightsaber) You do that again, I'll slay your slimy a**! Are you brainless? You almost got us killed!

JAR JAR: I spake.

QUI-GON: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. George W. Bush has already proven that. Now get outta here! (Qui-Gon starts to leave and Jar Jar follows).

JAR JAR: No... no! Meesa stay! Meesa yous humble servant!

QUI-GON: (looks Jar Jar up and down, disgusted) That won't be necessary.

JAR JAR: Oh boot tis! Tis demunded byda guds. Tis a live debett, tis. Meesa culled Jaja Binkss.

In the distance, two STAPS burst out of the mist at high speed, chasing Obi-Wan.

QUI-GON: What? Look, I have no time for this now...

JAR JAR: Say what?

The two STAPS close in on Obi-Wan.

JAR JAR: Oh, nooooo! Weesa gonna... dieeee!

The two troops fire laser blasts at Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon deflects the blasts back and blows the STAPS up. Obi-Wan is exhausted and tries to catch his breath.

OBI-WAN: Pheeew! Thanks, man!

QUI-GON: What happened?

OBI-WAN: Water got in my lightsaber... it shorted out... it's not my fault!

QUI-GON: Let me guess... you forgot to turn the power off again, didn't you?

OBI-WAN: (holds head down) I'm sorry, master.

QUI-GON: (sighs and turns his back to Obi-Wan) It won't take long to recharge, but this is a lesson I hope you've learned, my young Padawan. You know, I NEVER let this happen to me when I was an apprentice.

OBI-WAN: Yes, Master. (sticks his tongue out and makes a nasty face at Qui-Gon, who suddenly turns around looking suspiciously at him. Obi-Wan quickly grins and nervously turns to Jar Jar) Uh... what the heck is this?

QUI-GON: (still looking suspiciously at Obi-Wan, convinced he was making faces behind his back) A local. Let's go, before more of those droids show up.

JAR JAR: Mure? Mure did you spake??!!

OBI-WAN: What?! What did you just call me?

QUI-GON: (to Obi-Wan) Forget about him, he's just stupid. Come on, let's go.

The Jedi start to run off. Jar Jar tries to keep up.

JAR JAR: Ex-squeeze me, but da moto grande safe place would be Otoh Gunga. Tis where I grew up. Tis safe city, a hidden city.

They all stop.

QUI-GON: A city. (Jar Jar nods his head) Can you take us there?

JAR JAR: Ahhh, well... on second taut... no, not willy.

QUI-GON: (draws lightsaber and walks over to Jar Jar) No?!

JAR JAR: Iss embarrissing, boot... my afrai my've bean banished. My forgoten der Bosses would do terrible tings to my. Terrible tings if my goen back dare.

The sound of large weapons fire is heard in the distance.

QUI-GON: You hear that?

JAR JAR: (lifts one ear, shakes head) Yeah.

QUI-GON: That is the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way... (begins waving lightsaber in Jar Jar's face) But even THAT will pale in comparison to one minute alone with me... and this lightsaber.

OBI-WAN: (eyeing Qui-Gon) Oh Master, I do love it when you speak that way!

QUI-GON: (whispers to Obi-Wan) Later!

OBI-WAN: (walks over to Jar Jar) When they find us, they will crush us, grind us into little pieces, then blast us into oblivion!

JAR JAR: (still staring intently at lightsaber) Oh! Yousa point is well seen. Dis way! Hurry! (turns and runs into the swamp, followed by the Jedi).

Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Jar Jar approach a murky lake and stop as Jar Jar tries to catch his breath.

QUI-GON: Much farther?

JAR JAR: Weesa goen underwater, okeyday?

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan pull out a small capsule from their utility belts that fold out into breathing masks.

QUI-GON: (wading out before Obi-Wan) And this time Obi-Wan, make sure your lightsaber is turned OFF!

OBI-WAN: (makes a nasty face, sticks his tongue out at Qui-Gon) Yes, Master.

QUI-GON: (turns around quickly trying to catch Obi-Wan but after seeing him smile, turns back around, mumbling to himself) I'm gonna catch that little git one of these days.

JAR JAR: My warning yous. Gungans no liken outsiders. Don't expict a wern welcome.

OBI-WAN: Don't worry, this has not been our day for warm welcomes, has it Master?

Qui-Gon just ignores Obi-Wan and goes under the surface. Jar Jar jumps, does a double somersault with a twist, and dives into the water. Obi-Wan wades in after him.

[Count Dooku]

NABOO LAKE - UNDERWATER
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan swim behind Jar Jar, who is very much at home in the water. They swim down into the murky depths. In the distance, the glow of Otoh Gunga, an underwater city made up of large bubbles, becomes more distinct. They approach one of the strange structures. Jar Jar walks magically through one of the bubble membranes, that seal behind him. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon follow.






THE OTOH GUNGA CITY SQUARE
Gungans in the square scatter when they see the strange Jedi. Four guards armed with long electro-poles ride two-legged Kaadus into the square. The guards, led by Captain Tarpals, point their lethal poles at the dripping trio.

JAR JAR: Heyo-dalee, Cap'n Tarpals... meesa back!

TARPALS: Noah gain, Jar Jar. Yousa goen tada Bosses. Yousa in big dudu this time.

OBI-WAN: (looking around, whispering to Qui-Gon) Man, this whole place is filled with these frog-faced, nonsense-talking, bell-bottom-wearing freaks!

One of the guards gives Jar Jar a slight zap with his power pole. Jar Jar jumps and moves off, followed by the two Jedi.

JAR JAR: How wude.






THE OTOH GUNGA HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM
The Bosses' Board Room has bubble walls, with small lighted fish swimming around outside like moving stars. A long circular judge's bench filled with Gungan Officials dominates the room. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stand facing Boss Nass, who sits on a bench higher than the others.

BOSS NASS: Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackineeks up dare tis new weesong!

QUI-GON: (confused) Huh? Uh, yeah. Look, that droid army is about to attack the Naboo. We must warn them.

BOSS NASS: Weesa no like da Naboo! Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Naboo tink day so smarty den us-ens. Day tink day brains so big.

OBI-WAN: (mumbling to Qui-Gon) Well, frog brains aren't exactly big to begin with.

BOSS NASS: Wha was dat? Speeka up!

OBI-WAN: I said, after those droids take control of the surface, they will come here and take control of you.

BOSS NASS: No, meesa no tink so. Meesa scant talkie witda Naboo, and no nutten talkie it outlaunders. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of uss-en.

OBI-WAN: (rolls eyes, sighs impatiently) Whatever. Look, you and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand this. Geez, maybe there is some smaller brain thing working here!

BOSS NASS: (angrily) Wha???

OBI-WAN: (looks down, shaking head) Nothing. Forget it, man.

BOSS NASS: Okie-dokie den. Weesa wish no nutten in yousa tings, outlaunder, and weesa no care-n about da Naboo.

QUI-GON: Well then, I guess we're just wasting your time. Speed us on our way.

BOSS NASS: Weesa gonna speed yousaway.

QUI-GON: We could use a ride.

BOSS NASS: Weesa give yousa una bongo. Da speedest way tooda Naboo tis goen through da planit core. Now go.

QUI-GON: (bowing down) Thank you for your help. We go in peace. (To Obi-Wan) Let's get outta here. This boss guy is really starting to piss me off.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan turn to leave.

OBI-WAN: Master, what's a bongo? Is it that illegal smoking device you used to use back in the 70's, when you were...

QUI-GON: (nervously interrupts) Uh... umm... it's a... transport, I hope.

The Jedi notice Jar Jar in chains to one side, waiting to hear his verdict. Qui-Gon stops. Jar Jar gives him a sorry look.

JAR JAR: Daza setten yous up. Goen through da planet core is bad bombin!

QUI-GON: (stroking his beard, thinking) You don't say.

JAR JAR: Ahhh... any hep hair would be hot.

OBI-WAN: Oh no Master please, we were just about to get rid of him!

QUI-GON: (whispering to Obi-Wan) We may need some "shark bait", if we get into a jam.

Obi-Wan winks and nods at Qui-Gon.

QUI-GON: (to Boss Nass) We'll need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. This Gungan may be of help. What is to become of Jar Jar Binks here?

BOSS NASS: Binkss brokeen the nocombackie law. Hisen to be pune-ished.

QUI-GON: (glaring at Jar Jar) Yes, he should be punished... punished very, very severely... (looks back to Boss Nass) But he has been a great help to us.

BOSS NASS: Hmmm... meesa was guna pound him unto death.

Jar Jar gasps and starts trembling.

OBI-WAN: (whispers to Qui-Gon) Master, are you sure you wouldn't rather just stay and watch this?

QUI-GON: (whispering) It's tempting, but we may still need some shark bait. (To Boss Nass) We still need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. I have saved Jar Jar Binks' life. He owes me what you call a "life debt."

BOSS NASS: Binks. Yousa havena liveplay with thisen hisen?

Jar Jar nods and walks over to the Jedi.

QUI-GON: (walks over to Nass) Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.

BOSS NASS: (upset, begins shaking head violently and slobbering everywhere, hitting Qui-Gon) Hisen live tis yos, outlauder. Begone wit him.

QUI-GON: (disgusted, looks down at slobber on his robe) Dang, man! What's the matter with you?! You sick or something?

BOSS NASS: (embarrassed) Ooops! Meesa so sorry. Allergies, ya kno.

QUI-GON: (walks up to Nass, snatches a hankerchief from the Boss' pocket, then wipes the slobber off his robe, while glaring back at Nass and walking away) Disgusting! (walks toward Obi-Wan and Jar Jar) Come on, let's get outta this slime pit!

Boss Nass lowers his head, still embarrassed.






OUTSIDE THE GUNGAN CITY - IN THE BONGO
The bongo, a strange little submarine, speeds away from the Gungan city, leaving the glow of the settlement in the distance. Obi-Wan is in the pilot's seat, as Jar Jar pretends to navigate the craft.

JAR JAR: Dis is nusen.

OBI-WAN: (upset, staring at Jar Jar) What a pathetic life form you are. (Shoves the steering control toward Jar Jar) Here... take over.

JAR JAR: (surprised, but trying to act cool) Okie-dokie. Thisin a breez. Meesa pilot bongo since little boiyo. Hey? Where weesa goen?

QUI-GON: You tell us, you're the navigator.

JAR JAR: (nervously) Oh, yah, yah... uh, letsa see... I justa needa pushin dis buton here, and...

Jar Jar pushes a button that turns the radio on. He starts feeling a little cocky, because this is one of those rare times he's pushed a button without blowing something up. He starts singing, which he can't do, so Obi-Wan tries to shut him up with some small talk.

OBI-WAN: Uh... why were you banished, Jar Jar?

JAR JAR: Tis a long tale...

OBI-WAN: Oh no (turns the radio up).

JAR JAR: ...buta small part wawdabe meesa... ooooh... aaaa... clumsy.

OBI-WAN: (turns radio off) They banished you because you're clumsy? Now that's funny! (Starts laughing).

As the little sub glides into the planet core, a large dark shape begins to follow.

JAR JAR: (ignoring Obi-Wan, still rambling on) Meesa cause-ed mabee one or duey lettal bitty axadentes... yud-say boom da gasser, un crash Der Bosses heyblibber... den banished.

Suddenly there is a loud crash, and the little craft lurches to one side. Qui-Gon looks around and sees a huge Opee Sea Killer has hooked them with its long gooey tongue.

QUI-GON: (turns back around, staring at Jar Jar) Shark bait time!

JAR JAR: (terrified, as he realizes exactly what Qui-Gon means) Uh... yousa kno, iffin yousa trow meesa out dare, dis bongo will becomin bery unstable and fillup wid wata and yousas bota will die!!

OBI-WAN: (frustrated) Hmmm... he does make a valid point, Master. (Grabs controls back from Jar Jar) Give me that!

Obi-Wan takes over the controls just as a giant Sando Aqua Monster attacks the Opee Sea Killer, which instantly releases the sub from its mouth. As the sub zooms away they see the larger set of Sando jaws, munching on the hapless Killer. The lights on the tiny injured sub begin to flicker as they cruise deeper into the core.

JAR JAR: Weesa free!

OBI-WAN: Oh shut up!

QUI-GON: (smiling, oblivious to Obi-Wan and Jar Jar) There's always a bigger fish.

[Count Dooku]

FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
Nute and Rune stand before a hologram of Darth Sidious, whose face is hidden under the hood of a long, dark robe. He is the evil mastermind behind the Naboo invasion.

NUTE: The invaaasion is on scheeedule, my Looord.

DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to accept your control of the situation.

NUTE: The Queen haaas great faaaith the Seeenate will siiide with heeer.

DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Queen Amidala is young and naive, the silly teenager. You will find controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well, Viceroy.

NUTE: Thaaank you, my Looord.

DARTH SIDIOUS: You know, it's a good thing I can use the power of the Dark Side to understand what you're saying. Otherwise, I would have destroyed you long ago. Have a nice day (hologram fades away).

RUNE: What?! Was that a threat?

NUTE: Oh that. No, forget about it. He sometimes has these wild mood swings and starts saying crazy things. He's really an ok kinda guy, once you get to know him. And he's an excellent bridge player.






BONGO COCKPIT
Sparks are flying, and water is slowly leaking into the cabin. The lights in the tiny sub flicker and then go off, as the power supply weakens.

OBI-WAN: (adjusting controls) We're losing power. (Starts working with the sparking wires, while Jar Jar starts panicking).

JAR JAR: Weesa gonna die! Weesa all gonna die!

QUI-GON: Calm down Jar Jar, we're not in trouble yet.

JAR JAR: What?! Monstairs out dare! Leak'n in here, all'n sink'n, and nooooo power! You nutsen! WHEN YOUSA TINK WEESA IN TROUBLE?!?!

QUI-GON: Jar Jar, if you don't stop acting like Prissy from "Gone With the Wind", I'm going to start using certain parts of your body to plug-up the leaks in this cabin.

Jar Jar covers his mouth tightly, muffling his screams.

OBI-WAN: Power's back.

The lights flicker back on, revealing an ugly Colo Claw Fish right in front of them.

JAR JAR: (pointing at window) AHHHH!!! Monstairs back!!

The large Colo Claw Fish is surprised and rears back. The sub turns around and speeds away, with the Colo Claw Fish in hot pursuit.

JAR JAR: (hysterically) AHHHH!!! DIS IS IT!!! AHHHHHH!!! WEESA ALL DEAD!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

QUI-GON: Enough of this crap!!

Qui-Gon punches Jar Jar out cold.

OBI-WAN: (smiling) I was wondering what took you so long to do that. Thanks.

The Colo Claw Fish leaps after the fleeing sub, as it flies over the waiting jaws of the Sando Aqua Monster. The Colo Claw Fish isn't as lucky and becomes yet another snack for the Sando.

OBI-WAN: This is not good. Jar Jar's waking up.

Jar Jar slowly regains consciousness.

JAR JAR: Weesa dead yet? Oie Boie, meesa jaw killing meesa! (Starts rubbing jaw, trying to figure out what happened). Feel like-a somebody puncha meesa... HARD! (Looks over to Obi-Wan, who looks out the side window. Looks back at Qui-Gon, who turns and looks out the back window, rubbing his knuckles. Finally turns back around, still rubbing his jaw). Oie Boie!!

QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, head for that outcropping (points to an opening to the surface).





THE CITY OF THEED
The long columns of the Droid Army move down the main road of Theed, the capital city of Naboo, leading to the Queen's palace. As the Queen watches helplessly from a window in the palace, a transport carrying Nute and Rune lands in the city plaza. They exit the transport as proud conquerors.

NUTE: Ah, victory!

RUNE: Yeah, we are gonna be partying tonite! (Starts disco dancing with Nute).






NABOO LAKE
Billowing clouds frame a romantic body of water. There is a loud rush of bubbles and the small bongo bobs to the surface. Obi-Wan switches off the bubble canopies. Qui-Gon stands up to look around, then realizes something.

QUI-GON: Hmmm.... this canopy is made of the same material as the bubble structures in the Gungan city. (Looks at Obi-Wan) Which means, if we had thrown Jar Jar out earlier, water would NOT have flooded the sub... (looks at Jar Jar) which means this lying Gungan tricked us. (Draws lightsaber) Which means he must be punished... punished very, very severely!

OBI-WAN: Oh yes, do it Master! Do it now!

Jar Jar quickly jumps out of the sub and starts swimming away frantically, only to look back and see Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan laughing while pointing at him. He realizes that he has just been tricked. Just glad to be alive, Jar Jar lets out a sigh of relief.

End Chapter 2

[Sith Knight Xero]

right we get the point

[Count Dooku]

Or do you?



THEED PALACE - THE MAIN STAIRCASE
Queen Amidala, Sio Bibble, and the royal handmaidens are walking down the main staircase, surrounded by several armed battle droids. Captain Panaka and four Naboo guards follow behind at gunpoint. Nute and Rune walk beside the Queen.

BIBBLE: How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?

NUTE: The Queen and I wiiill sign a treeeaty that wiiill legiiitimize our occupaaation here. I've been assuuured it will be raaatified by the Seeenate.

AMIDALA: (confused) Huh? Oh, nevermind. Whatever it was you just said, I will not co-operate!

NUTE: Now, now, your Hiiighness. You are not goooing to like whaaat we have in stooore for your peeeople. In time, their suuuffering will peeersuade you to see our poooint of view. Commaaander. Prooocess them.

COMMANDER: Yes sir! (turns to his captain) Take them to Camp Four.

CAPTAIN: Roger roger.

AMIDALA: (whispers to Bibble) Isn't there something in the Geneva Convention about terms being discussed in a language you can understand?

BIBBLE: (scornfully) Geneva Convention?! What do you think this is, a NATO invasion?! (mumbling) Silly teenager!

The battle droids march the group out of the palace into the city plaza.






THE CITY PLAZA
The city plaza is filled with tanks and battle droids, which the prisoners pass on their way to the detention camp. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Jar Jar sneak across on a walkway above the plaza and jump from a balcony, beginning an attack to rescue the Queen. Four battle droids are instantly cut down. More droids move forward and are also cut down by the Jedi's slashing lightsabers. Qui-Gon raises his hand and sends a couple of droids crashing into a wall. He and Obi-Wan then rush over to the Queen and guide her and the others around a corner, out of sight. Captain Panaka and his men pick up the battle droids' weapons and follow.

QUI-GON: (patronizingly) So, you're the Queen! Why, you're just a cute little teenager.

BIBBLE: (mumbling again) A silly teenager!

AMIDALA: (sarcastically) Well, they always told us you could NEVER fool a Jedi, 'cause they're like, "really, really smart".

QUI-GON: (smiles, until he realizes Amidala was mocking him; looks over to see Obi-Wan holding his head down quietly laughing; looks back at Amidala, rather embarrassed.) Uh, Your Highness, we uh, are the Ambassadors, for the uh, Supreme Chancellor.

BIBBLE: (snidely) Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.

QUI-GON: Look old man, the negotiations never took place! (To Amidala) Geez, old people these days! (notices Amidala staring at the gray in his beard) Uh, Your Highness, we must make contact with the Republic.

PANAKA: They've knocked out all our communications.

QUI-GON: Do you have transports?

PANAKA: In the main hangar. This way.






MAIN HANGAR
Captain Panaka cracks open a side door to the main hangar. Qui-Gon looks in over his shoulder. Obi-Wan, Jar Jar, and the rest of the group are behind him. They see several Naboo spacecraft guarded by a couple dozen battle droids. On the ground, near the ships, are seated several pilots, guards, and crew -- prisoners of the droids.

PANAKA: There are too many of them.

Obi-Wan looks over at Panaka, shaking his head pitifully.

QUI-GON: That won't be a problem. Your Highness, under the circumstances, I suggest you come to Coruscant with us.

AMIDALA: Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is here with my people.

QUI-GON: They will kill you if you stay.

BIBBLE: They wouldn't dare.

PANAKA: They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of theirs legal. They can't afford to kill her. Bibble here, on the other hand, might be considered somewhat expendable.

BIBBLE: (trembling, nervously whispers to Qui-Gon) Uh, you know, I haven't been to Coruscant in years! And I've got a lot of powerful friends there. Maybe I should be going instead of...

QUI-GON: You're a disgusting old man. (To Amidala) The situation here is not what it seems. There is something else behind all this, Your Highness. There is no logic in the Federation's move here. My feelings tell me they will destroy you.

BIBBLE: (trying not to look like a total coward) Please, Your Highness, reconsider. Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us. Senator Palpatine will need your help.

PANAKA: Getting past their blockade is impossible, Your Highness! Any attempt to escape will be dangerous!

OBI-WAN: Whoa, Captain! You are just being waaay too anxious, man. (Whispering) Want some Prozac? (Panaka looks at Obi-Wan like he's crazy and moves away from him) Okay, man... your loss (pops a couple of pills in his mouth).

BIBBLE: (still trying to save face with fake nobility) Your Highness, I will stay here and do what I can... they will have to retain the Council of Governors in order to maintain control. But you must leave!

The Queen turns to Padme.

AMIDALA: Either choice presents a great risk... to all of us.

PADME: We are brave, Your Highness.

QUI-GON: If you are to leave, Your Highness, it must be now.

AMIDALA: Then, I will plead our case before the Senate. Be careful Governor, and please... stop trembling!

The door opens wide to the main hangar. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Jar Jar, Captain Panaka, two guards, and the handmaidens enter, followed by the Queen, and head for a sleek chrome spacecraft.

PANAKA: We need to free those pilots (points to several pilots, ground crew, and guards held by six battle droids).

OBI-WAN: (grinning) Ha-Ha! I'll handle that! (swaggers toward the prisoners).

PANAKA: (to Qui-Gon, looking over at Obi-Wan) You sure he's ok? Just how long have you known him?

QUI-GON: You'd better enjoy this... he's even more unbearable once his medication wears off.

Qui-Gon, the Queen, Captain Panaka, Jar Jar, and the rest of the group approach the battle droid guards at the ramp of the chrome Naboo craft.

GUARD DROID: Halt! And just where do you think you're going?

QUI-GON: I'm Ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor and I'm taking these people to Coruscant.

GUARD DROID: That does not compute. Where did you say? I can't understand you.

QUI-GON: (folds arms) Right. You work for the Trade Viceroy, and YOU can't understand what I'M saying?

GUARD DROID: Oh, I see... a smart-a**. That's it, punk... you're under arrest!

The Guard Droid draws his weapon, but before any of the droids can fire, they are cut down. Other guards run to their aid. Obi-Wan is slicing and dicing droids while laughing. He and Qui-Gon free the pilots, guards and ground crew, some of whom rush on board the ship with the Queen and her staff, while others run over to Governor Bibble. Qui-Gon yells to Obi-Wan to get on board, but he's laughing so hard, the Jedi Master has to grab him and pull him onto the ship. The ship zooms out of the hangar, headed for space -- and into the waiting Federation battleship blockade.

[Count Dooku]

NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT
The pilot, Ric Olie, navigates toward the massive main battleship, through a hail of laser fire, as Qui-Gon and Captain Panaka watch.

RIC OLIE: Our communications are still jammed!





NABOO SPACECRAFT - DROID HOLD
Jar Jar is led into a low, cramped room by Obi-Wan.

OBI-WAN: (still grinning) Now stay here and keep out of trouble... or else! (pulls robe back, exposing his lightsaber to Jar Jar).

JAR JAR: (nervously grins) Okie dokie!

Obi-Wan closes the door. Jar Jar looks around and sees a row of five short, dome-topped astro droids (R2 units). They all look alike, except for their paint color, and they all seem to be shut down.

JAR JAR: Ello, boyos. Disa wanna longo trip, hey?

Suddenly there is an explosion, shaking the ship violently, as the shield generator is hit. The droids are activated and roll out onto the ship's exterior, where they begin emergency repair work. One by one, they are picked off by laser fire until one blue droid completes the repair.






NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT
RIC OLIE: Powers back! That little droid did it. He bypassed the main power drive. Deflector shields up, at maximum.

The lone blue droid goes back into the ship. The Naboo spacecraft speeds away from the Federation battleship.

RIC OLIE: There's not enough power to get us to Coruscant... the hyperdrive is leaking.

QUI-GON: We'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship.

OBI-WAN: (studies a star chart on a monitor) Here, Master. Tatooine. It's small, out of the way, poor. The Trade Federation has no presence there.

PANAKA: How can you be sure?

Obi-Wan smirks at Panaka.

QUI-GON: It's controlled by the Hutts...

PANAKA: The Hutts? As in "Jabba the Hutt"?!

OBI-WAN: (Sarcastically) No, as in "Pizza the Hutt". Geez!

PANAKA: (ignoring Obi-Wan's lame remark) You can't take Her Royal Highness there! The Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her...

QUI-GON: It would be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the Federation... except the Hutts aren't looking for her, which gives us the advantage.

OBI-WAN: Yeah Captain, man... you really need to chill-out. (Starts waving his Prozac bottle at Panaka, while mouthing the words "want some?" Panaka leans back and places his hand on his gun while staring at Obi-Wan, who grins nervously and turns back around in his chair).






FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM
Nute and Rune sit at a conference table with a hologram of Darth Sidious.

NUTE: We controool all the cities in the Nooorth and are seeearching for any ooother settlemeeents...

DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Destroy all high-ranking officials, Viceroy, starting with that sniveling Bibble! And Queen Amidala, has she signed the treaty?

NUTE: She haaas... disappeeeared, My Looord. One Naboo cruuuiser got paaast the blockaaade.

DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. WHAT?! You let her get away?! Viceroy, find her! I want that treaty signed!

NUTE: My Looord, it's impooossible to locaaate the ship. It's ooout of raaange.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Not for a Sith... (a second Sith Lord appears behind Darth Sidious, wearing sunglasses, chewing gum and shaking his head to some cheesy theme music, like something out of the WWF) Viceroy, this is my apprentice, Lord Maul. He will find your lost ship. (Turns to Maul and starts shaking his head to the music, as both holograms fade away).

NUTE: Yes, My Lord. (to Rune) This is getting out of hand... now there are two of them, with their own cheesy theme music.

RUNE: Yeah, that music really sucked! (turns on an 8-track tape and starts playing "The Bee-Gees' Greatest Hits", while disco dancing) Now THIS is music!

NUTE: Yeah! (joins in with Rune).






NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS
Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Captain Panaka, and the little blue droid stand before Queen Amidala and her three handmaidens.

PANAKA: An extremely well put together little droid. Without a doubt, it saved the ship, as well as our lives.

AMIDALA: It is to be commended. What is its number?

The little blue droid lets out a series of bleeps. Captain Panaka leans over and scrapes some dirt off of the side of the droid and reads the number.

PANAKA: R2-D2, Your Highness.

AMIDALA: Thank you, R2-D2. Padme, clean this droid up as best you can. It deserves our gratitude. Continue, Captain.

Captain Panaka looks nervously to Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon.

QUI-GON: Your Highness, we are heading for a remote planet called Tatooine. It is a system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation. There, we will be able to make needed repairs, then travel on to Coruscant.

PANAKA: I do not agree with the Jedi on this.

Obi-Wan again smirks and shakes his head at Panaka, who notices him and glares back.

QUI-GON: You must trust my judgment, Your Highness.






NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA
Padme is in the Main Area, squatting next to R2-D2, while cleaning the droid. Jar Jar suddenly pops out of an open door.

JAR JAR: Hidoe!

PADME: (surprised, loses her balance and falls backward, flat on her butt) What the...!!

JAR JAR: Meesa Ja Ja Binksss!

PADME: (angrily) Do that again, I'll have you put to death! (nervously) Uh, that is, if I were Queen, I uh, would have you put to death. (Closes eyes, takes deep breath) Look, forget it. Just don't do that again! And whatever you might think, I am NOT the true Queen. (standing up) I'm Padme, I attend Her Highness. Uh, you're a Gungan, aren't you? (Jar Jar nods) How did you end up here with us?

JAR JAR: Me no know... meesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom... getten berry skeered, un grabbed dat Jedi, and before meesa knowen it... pow! Meesa here. (He shrugs) Getten berry berry skeered.

PADME: (confused) What? Oh, nevermind. You're not the only one who's been talking crazy today.






NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT
Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Captain Panaka watch over Ric Olie's shoulder. A large yellow planet appears directly ahead. Olie searches his scopes.

OBI-WAN: (bows down right next to Olie's face, after just having eaten a fried onion sandwich) That's it. Tatooine.

RIC OLIE: (irritated with Obi-Wan's onion breath) Yeah, I know! There's a settlement... a spaceport, looks like. (turns to Obi-Wan, sarcastically) Gee, you think you could get a little closer to my nose?! I'm still having trouble trying to figure out what you had for lunch!

OBI-WAN: Actually, it was this rather delightful fried onion sandwich I found in a backpack sitting under the console here...

RIC OLIE: Wow! What a coincidence! I had a fried onion sandwich in a backpack under the console. It was gonna be the only thing I had to eat all day!

OBI-WAN: (Belches, then stands up, embarrassed) Uh... excuse me (hastily exits the cockpit).

QUI-GON: (still looking out the window, oblivious to the previous discourse) Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract any attention.

The Naboo spacecraft lands in the desert in a swirl of dust. The spaceport of Mos Espa is seen in the distance.






NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA
Obi-Wan is working on the hyperdrive, still belching, when Qui-Gon walks in, wearing a poncho over his Jedi clothes.

OBI-WAN: The Hyperdrive generator is gone. We will need a new one.

QUI-GON: (frowns, looks up, sniffing) Well, that will complicate things a bit. What is that smell? (looks at Obi-Wan, who turns away, covering his mouth). Don't let them send any transmissions. Be wary... I smell, I mean, I sense a disturbance in the Force.

OBI-WAN: (hand still over mouth) I feel it also, Master.

QUI-GON: (holding nose) Man, it smells like a fried onion sandwich! I hate those things. People who eat them are disgusting! (Walks out of room).

OBI-WAN: (puts hand down and sticks tongue out at Qui-Gon) Elitist snob!

Qui-Gon quickly peeks around the door, still trying to catch Obi-Wan in the act. Obi-Wan just smiles back. Qui-Gon turns and walks away, joining R2-D2 and Jar Jar. They leave the ship to start their long journey across the desert toward the city of Mos Espa.

JAR JAR: Dis sun doen murder tada skin.

From the spaceship, Captain Panaka and Padme run toward them.

PANAKA: Wait!

The group turns and waits for the others to catch up. Padme is dressed in rough peasant's garb.

PANAKA: Her Highness commands you to take her handmaiden with you. She wishes for her to observe the local...

QUI-GON: No more commands from Her Highness today, Captain. This spaceport is not going to be pleasant.

PANAKA: The Queen wishes it. She is curious about the planet.

QUI-GON: (angrily at Padme) Oh crap! Come on then. And don't get too close to me!





MOS ESPA - MAIN STREET
QUI-GON: (looking around) This planet is made up of moisture farms for the most part, but also a few indigenous tribes and scavengers. The few spaceports like this one are havens for those who do not wish to be found.

PADME: Like us.

The little group continues to walk down the main street of Mos Espa. They pass dangerous looking citizens of all types. Padme looks around in awe at this environment, then eyes a Tusken Raider walking by.

RAIDER: Hey baby, what's a fine thing like you doing in a place like this?

PADME: (blushing) Oh... well, we're here to...

Qui-Gon steps over to investigate.

QUI-GON: Is there a problem here?

RAIDER: Not 'til you came over, chump!

QUI-GON: What did you call me?

RAIDER: I called you a low-life, sissified, two-bit chump! (Raises rifle).

Qui-Gon throws his poncho over one shoulder, exposing his lightsaber. He then takes out an old, half-chewed cigar and lights it, while staring at the Raider and without saying a word. The Raider becomes terrified at the sight of a Jedi acting like Clint Eastwood. He takes off running.

QUI-GON: (starts coughing, throws cigar down) You'd be amazed how many times that macho crap works. (Looks over to Padme, who's smiling at him with this star-struck, teenager-in-love look). Oh-no... we'd better get going, it's getting late.

Qui-Gon walks ahead, with Padme floating behind him. As Jar Jar nosily watches a couple arguing, he accidentally steps in deep dudu.

JAR JAR: Ooooh... icky... icky... goo. (wiping foot off) Dissen berry berry bad.